Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in N.J.'s LiveJournal:

Sunday, May 12th, 2002
3:30 pm	Just venting. I didn't think I'd ever make an entry in this thing again... I won't even try to bring anyone reading this up to date. It would take pages, pages I just don't have. The reason I'm writing this though, is to 'vent'. I got a call yesterday from Scream. At the time, I was with Jake and didn't really much care for interruptions. Immediately after she said hi and I realized who it was, I was about to tell her that I'd call her back later. But she started right in without waiting for me to say another word past 'hello'. "Nic, I'm so sorry to bug ya and all that, but I just…can ya come over?" Her voice was almost…scared. And that scared me. Nothing scares that girl. Well, almost nothing. There are some things… But just then, I was too wrapped up in myself and Jake to really notice what it was I was listening to. So I told her 'no, sorry, I'm a little busy right now.' And she asked me if I was with Jake. She's so perceptive sometimes it almost scares me. When I said yes, she was quiet for a moment and then said, "A'ight. Have fun, then," and hung up. It was only an hour later, after Jake dropped me off at home, that what she said finally sank in. I could have kicked myself. Sometimes, I think I must be one of the most selfish people in the world. She needed help, and I abandoned her for my own pleasure… Anyway, I called Jake back and had him drive me all the way to Scream's. It's a long way from my place to hers and the entire time, my mind was racing through all the things that could be wrong with her. I guess I actually really knew already what it was. Her father has to be the epitome of a scum-sucking sadistic bastard. When we finally got there, I asked Jake to park down the road. If there's one thing I've learned from Indy and Scream, it's that you should be as subtle and cautious as possible in potentially dangerous situations. Then he and I snuck up to the house from around the back. We were about to climb over the wall and go to her window when I heard that bastard's voice. He had her in the garage again. He was yelling at her about being a "backstabbing treacherous bitch" and so on. Apparently, he'd caught her talking to a friend online about him or something. And he was also mad about her hiding from him for the past couple hours. And as usual, he was punctuating every other word with a blow. Jake and I could hear his fist slamming into her. But we never heard a sound from her. She's too tough and proud for her own good. And then he slapped her real hard and we saw her fall through the garage's back door. She'd hardly hit the concrete there before he was picking her up by her hair. I got a good look at her face as he lifted her into the air. Her lip was split and there was a wet trail coming down from her hairline, which of course, was blood. She looked right at me. The look in her eyes… Scream's eyes are usually full of anger or amusement or mischief and there's inevitably a touch of sorrow, but they're always full of life. But at that moment, they were just…resigned, dead. She gave up. He wouldn't deliberately kill her; he's not that stupid. But he killed her in a different way nonetheless. I don't think she even knew who I was right then… Anyway, he threw her in that storage room they've got back there. I heard a smack and a small grunt and then it was just dead silent. I found out later that when he threw her, she skidded on the floor and her back hit a corner of a shelf. Jake was ready to kill him by then. He'd picked up a piece of scrap metal he'd found behind the wall and was about to jump it. I've never seen Jake so angry. I tried to grab him back, to get him to think for a minute, but he was already over the wall. And he ran at that bastard…but then Scream came stumbling out of the storage room. It was pretty dark by then, and her father hadn't seen Jake yet. Scream apparently had and she didn't want him there; she made a motion with her hand that we - her closer friends - all know to mean 'get away or I'll kill you'. And then she moved to punch her father… Scream's got a murderous right cross, but she knows she can't beat her father; the height difference alone is bad enough. She was just distracting him. Needless to say, the man beat her all over again. And I wanted to kill him too, of course. But instead, I just climbed over the wall and dragged Jake, who was both furious and shocked, back again. And we hid there behind the wall for twenty minutes. I couldn't help covering my ears and shutting my eyes, and I would've cried except I was scared he'd find us. Jake didn't try to jump the wall again; he just sat there beside me and held me. We finally heard him close the door and leave. We waited a couple minutes more before we climbed the wall. He'd locked the door of course, and it was too solid for Jake to break down. There's one tiny window to the storage room. I was looking through it while Jake tried to get the door open. I could only see a bare foot, but she was obviously not moving at all. We couldn't get the damn door open. I was crying by then. I couldn't help it. I know Scream would've been furious to see me bawling like an idiot, but I was panicking. I've never seen him beat her up before, just the aftermath. I was sitting beside the door, knocking on it, trying to get her to respond… I thought she was dead. Jake got sick of all that. He used a piece of brick to break the window. That woke her up, but she didn't move beyond turning her head to stare dully at him… He started trying to coax her up, to get her to try to help us get her out. But she'd just…given up, I guess. She turned her face away from him again and didn't move anymore. I was nearly hysterical by then. I ran back to the scrap piles behind the wall and found the leg of the old giant satellite dish Scream took apart last month. Jake and I used it to ram the door open. This was a loud process, so we were certain her father would hear it and come back outside. So the moment the door was open, Jake scooped her up and we ran. I've never run like that in my life and Jake told me later he was scared out of his mind that he would hurt her more by running that way. But what else could we do? When we got to the truck, I drove and Jake held her as still as he could. She was conscious, but she didn't make a sound; her eyes were open, but she just stared forward as if she weren't seeing anything. It was scary as hell. I headed for the hospital, of course. But then when I was about to pull into the parking lot, and she reached out and grabbed my arm and said, "Don't." I parked the car but she didn't let go of my arm. She said she'd never forgive either of us if we did this. I ripped my arm loose and got out of the car and came around to open the door for Jake, but by the time I had she'd gotten out of his grip and crawled through the driver's side door. We both tried to catch her, and we should have been able to; she was hardly able to walk. But every time we got close, she'd start growling like some sort of animal, and try to hit us. After ten minutes of this, Jake looked at me and I knew the whole thing was futile. The only way we were going to get her into that hospital was by hurting her more, and I think I'd rather die than do that… So I promised we wouldn't take her in, and she made me promise we wouldn't tell anyone about what happened either, and she knows when I lie to her. I'm about as good at lying as she is at defending herself against her father. And when I'd promised, she just collapsed. I started crying again then, while Jake picked her up and we went back to the truck. We didn't really know what to do with her then… We just drove around for a long time. She didn't open her eyes again and she was as limp as a doll in Jake's arms. Jake finally came up with the idea of hiding her with her friend Malice, but Malice lives hours from where we were. It took us a while longer to decide to take her to Sergei's. I wasn't certain he was back from California, but we got lucky. He'd arrived back about an hour before we got to his place. It took us a good half hour to convince him to just hide her away and not tell anyone… I hated myself the entire time. Jake finally left me at home around five in the morning. I just…took a shower and fell into bed. I called Sergei a little while ago…and he told me Scream had gone home. She left the house and hitched a ride while he wasn't paying attention. I'm at a loss for what to do now. I know eventually Indy'll find out and I'll have to explain to her… but she knows as well as I do, if not better, why Scream doesn't want her father turned in. It's impossible to explain to someone who doesn't know her… One way or the other, I feel I've betrayed Scream. It's almost like…like I've sentenced her to her death… This has been going on for so long... She kept it a secret until just recently, and then there was nothing any of us could do... Dear heavens…that had to be the worst night of my life. Current Mood: anxious (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 4th, 2001
2:02 pm	Out of Order I've always hated that phrase. But today, my little sister, Ann, applied it to me. Which got me laughing a little too much. It turned into a painful experience and Mom added "Don't make her laugh" to the list of things people shouldn't do to me right now. All this is about...what? Well, since a couple little spells I had last year, I haven't had the best health. This aggravates me to no end, as I'm accustomed to being a very healthy person...Anyway, this past month has been rather bad. I've lost 16 pounds (not good considering how skinny I already am) and I think I've even outdone my dear friend Holly when it comes to exhaustion. Scott (haven't gotten into the habit of calling him Dad just yet) is convinced that I should be in the hospital... Gods, I'm so hungry. But I know that, even if I did eat, I wouldn't be able to keep it down and would end up more miserable than before. This whole bleeding thing just sucks! [Excuse my Brit. lang.] It gets worse, too. My friend Indy recently introduced me to her friends Katie Young and Kody Yotaru (aka Scream & KoYo respectively), and I must say I like them a lot. We were all planning on taking a road trip up to Colorado, where Scream and Indy's families are in the process of moving to, and I was really looking forward to it. Of course, we were going to have to do some househunting for Indy's da, as she calls her father, with Scream's mom, but that didn't matter. We were going to do a lot of sightseeing and stuff... However, my health brought me down again. I couldn't go. Indy threw one of her little Irish fits, and Scream was kinda mad, but KoYo reasoned with them for me. They finally went without me. Bummer. Boy, I'm saying that a lot lately. On another note, Dizzy's due to have her kittens soon. I can't wait. She probably can't either. (lol) She looks as miserable as me; and she wobbles everywhere. Poor Diz, she looks like she'll pop! Okay, I feel better now. Gonna go take another nap. Current Mood: sick Current Music: Shawn Mullins--"Lullaby" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 5th, 2001
4:13 pm	This is not a good week. Not that it hasn't gone well, so far. It's just that a bad day is coming up... Every year, for the past 5 years, I've had to deal with that day. It's the anniversary of my mum's death. I always have a rough time with it... Last year, it was still bad, even though I'd pulled myself out of the dark pretty far. This year, I have a family again. But even they have a difficult time with some of my problems. Plus, my schizophrenia has been rather bad for the past few months and I'm worried that the strength of my memories on that day will push me into one of my phases again. Oh, whatever powers that be...it's coming... ...and I'm so scared... Current Mood: scared Current Music: Matchbox 20--"Rest Stop" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001
4:16 pm	Rough lives... I'm in a rather good mood. I just made a new friend. She's another livejournal user who found me through similar interests. Her name is Indy and I believe it may be possible that she's had it rougher than I have. We've been chatting some over MSN since yesterday. We really connected, I think. She listened to my story with a sympathy I've known in only a handful of people. I listened to hers in turn. She was a drug-baby, but her only problem is something you can't see. Mostly, it's a neurological problem causing seizures and, in one case, a coma. Her mother committed suicide not long before her 10th birthday, and it was her half-brother's fault. Then, last November, her only friend committed suicide... The list of painful events goes on but that's enough for talking about. She's very optimistic and cheerful for someone who's been through so much. It makes me appreciate how well off I've got it. Anyway, I don't often make friends, so I just thought I'd mention this. Here's to Indy Faye. Thank you for listening and thanks for trusting me with your own story. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: Creed--"Beautiful" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 10th, 2001
3:31 pm	I'm feeling better today. I've got my truth put away right now. It probably won't bug me for a couple of days...Well, now I don't know what to say... I know that it's possible for people to just wander in upon this journal and I bet that those who do and read that last entry...probably think I'm a freak. Actually, I kinda feel like a freak. But I don't think it's such a bad thing anymore. I've stopped dying my hair completely black, so the red and white streaks are showing. I think they sort of look nice. I've stopped wearing those ugly blue contacts. And, in fact, someone even complemented my eyes yesterday. I liked that. My cat, Dizzy, is pregnant. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. Mari and Scott say they might allow us to keep 1 kitten but that's all. So, when they're born, I'll have to find homes for them all. I'm most certainly not going to let them be homeless the way I was. And there's no way I'll send them to a pound. Uh-uh! Yadda, yadda, yadda. We're having nice weather today so I'm going out. I think I'll go biking. Current Mood: content Current Music: U2--"Beautiful Day" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 7th, 2001
4:45 pm	Dealing with me... I hate this. I wish I could just rip it out of me and kill it. But...at the same time, I'm wishing I could hold it in even tighter than ever... I can't keep this up. It won't let me. To it, skirting around the truth is just as bad as flat-out lying. It wants me to tell the whole truth. Correct my "skirtings" from past entries. So here goes... When I was little, I developed an ability. My mother had always had the same ability and when I began to use it, she wasn't very surprised. She called it our truth. Since her death, it's just my truth now. Basically, it detects falsehoods and lies, stuff like that. Questions prompt answers from it. When it's a yes answer or a good thing, it rings...kinda like a silver bell, I think. When it's negative, no, bad things, it buzzes. Hurts almost. When Mum died, my truth left me. I couldn't get it to work. I finally came to the conclusion that it was dead, too. But, when I met Dragonheart, almost a year ago...things changed. It was like, she was pulling that lost part of me back up again. It just couldn't come all the way up. Several times, I had brief flashes of my truth, nothing permanent, though. And then, I had this dream. It was a very painful, dark dream that told me more about something than I cared to know. That dream triggered my truth. For a couple weeks, the truth raged in me. I couldn't control it. But I've discovered a semi-effective way to "lock it up". And by whatever powers rule this universe, that's all I'm going to let it make me tell. That's enough. I'm going to go now for a bit. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 25th, 2001
4:17 pm	I know I?ve been gone a long time, now...And I know that I haven?t spoken to anyone for some time, either...But I just have enough energy for one thing right now and I think that this way...there?s a chance that those who I want (need) so badly to talk to, will read this. Over the past few weeks, I?ve been struggling with a part of myself that is stronger than me. I wasn?t dealing too well with it. It made me physically, emotionally, and mentally sick. I think it even messed with me spiritually some. I really wasn?t capable of anything. I had no choice but to leave my job, for it was simply aggravating the problem. Then, it got bad enough that I was bedridden for quite some time. It has only been during the past 2 days that I?ve been well enough to think coherently... I must admit that, even now...my thoughts are rather disturbed. I feel that I?m losing someone...Though lately...I?ve been losing quite a lot of myself, too. I have discovered that this "problem", as I?ve called it amongst those whom I cannot truly tell about it, can be temporarily shut off from the rest of me by repeating a very painful question to myself until it replies incorrectly. I fear, however, that my problem will be periodically ruling me off and on for the rest of my life. I think I did something terrible before I was completly invalid. I think I shares some information that I shouldn?t have. I know that it was greatly wanted but...I don?t think that it was right of me to give it. I believe I?ve unleashed something terrible... Oh, bloody crap... I love you so much. You know who you are. I know that I?m confusing you but...I?m so sorry. Just don?t go near any dark woods, okay? ...Life is just so strange... Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Sarah McLachlan -- "Angel" (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 22nd, 2001
3:54 pm	How "love" works... Well, actually, I don't know how it works. When I was adopted last October, I promised myself that I'd do everything I could to learn how to love again. I guess I'd just forgotten so much of it... Anyway, it's been pretty tough. I knew it wouldn't be easy and I assumed it would be hard, but one way or the other, it's definitely worth it. So far this is what I've learned: 1) Love hurts! A lot! 2) You will fight with people you love. 3) Love involves putting your life on hold for others' sake. 4) No matter how "weird" or "creepy" you are, if they love you, they'll show you: hugs, kisses, etc. 5) Just because they love you, doesn't mean they have to put up with you. 6) You will have no choice but to admit you were wrong sometimes(even if you weren't). 7) People who love you will try to correct you if you've screwed up...no matter how much you don't want them to. 8) You are still expected to lift your own weight. 9) You may have to stay up with the little ones on "sick days". 10) There is no end to what you have to learn about love! Period! No ifs, ands or buts about it. In light of this, I want to dedicate this journal entry to my family: Mari, Scott, Lyn, Flip, and Ann. Love to you all! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 13th, 2001
4:20 pm	First words... These are my first words in this journal. Actually, I've never had a journal before. First off, if you've found this, you either know me or someone told you about me...One way or another, please, whatever you do...don't hurt me. I'm fragile and if I could sum myself up into 2 words, they'd be: THIN ICE! This isn't the sort of thing I usually do... I'm going to have to stop soon, but I'll try to do this often...I doubt I can fulfill those words, though. A thousand thanks to the people who made it possible for me to empty myself this much, especially my soul-sister. Without you, I don't think I'd be here...Love forever to you all... (Comment on this)